so.. I'll see a doc about my sleeping habbits. 
ill see a doc about my retarted hip
ill see a doc about my retarted back
maybe they'll know what to do...
i want to cut my hair off.. its hot.. and takes too much shampoo...
i almost had a comlete freak out today.. oh wait.. i did lol
uwf set me a letter saying that my presidential talent scholarship has been renewed for $1000 a year.. $500 a semester
thats a lie! its supposed to be $1500 a year $750 a semester.. thats like almost 5 more credit hours! per year!
but it turns out the letter was just a typo.. and i am still getting my $750 a semster :) 
im really thinking about backing out of this buffet clarient academy audition..
im freaked out.. and its a recorded audition... sigh.. 
idk.. im kinda worried about the $$ aspect of it.. if i make it (which is highly unlikely)
i talked to my mom about it tonight.. 
she dosnt want me to back out.. she wasnts me to go for it.. adn she said that she'll help $ wise.. 
that was odd.. mom actaully being supportive of this... 
usally she'll just see it as unnessiccery.. but she was cool with it :)
im geting my conducting book this weekend woot
conducting started monday! im excited! next week started my bussyness
conducting on mondays and wednesdays
handbell rehersal thursdys
ive got 2 handbell concerts on the 17th, 1 the 21st, 1 the 22, adn then im gone to jacksonville with the hb choir for the AGEHR area IV youth festival. ill be gone for the weekend :) that shoudl be one fun trip. thought im a little worried... i really dont talk to anyone n the choir outside of rehersal (well except for monika and bobby) idk, maybe ill get to know the others a bit better :)

yeah so this was one of those random crap entries lol.. oh well 
OOooo! another random fact: pizza hut's chicken alfredo pasta is AMAZING! my dad said its the best pasta he has ever had! and hes not a big pasta fan.. its really good though! you shoudl get some!!

my sleeping patterns just keep getting worse and worse.. it's to the point now where I'll be up for 2 or 3 days strait and then my body will completly crash for about 10 hours.. then i'm up again for 2 or 3 days... sigh.. whats going on? at the begining of the semester i was still sleeping everynight.. some nights were better than others but i was still sleeping.. then I'd go without sleep 3-5 times a month.. then 2-3 times a week.. now im only sleeping every other other day?... and now my parents are catching on.. and they said something to me about it earlier.. I know I should see a doctor or something but I'm scared.. because 1 or 2 things will happen.. they'll just nlow me off adn blame it on stress or tell m how to get to sleep. or they'll prescribe me sleeping pills.. and I cant take sleeping pills.. I have before and I do some creepy things when im on them and i dont rember it at all!! i'll carry on an entire personal conversation with someone adn not rember it.. and they cause weird hallusinations... I saw spiderman in my room! so sleeping pills are out of the question.. sigh.. i really dont know what to do :/

___________________________________________

anyway, bells last night went surprisingly well.. and Bobby wasn't there... gah! whyyy!! why is it that i can do so much better when he steps out of the picture!.. i think i have yet another theory..  im not afraid of him... im not intimidated by him.. I just know what makes him mad.. well not really mad, just aggivated... and yet i stand right beside him and do crap like, not play loud enough when he is CONSANTLY telling me to play louder, or screw up a rhythem continusly, or stare at the music, completly lost when i have the whole flippen score infront of me adn can easiy find my place again.. I know its annoing him.. its annoing me... and i hate annoing people.. 
The reason I did so much better monday than i do normally was because i was focused.. i can focus when hes not there. but i cant focus when he is there..?? why?,,, well i think i having the same issue with him as i do wih glaze in lessons,, Im veiwing bobby as a judge adn im more focused on what hes going to say about my playing than the playing itself... if tis is the case (which now that i think about it im amost positive that it is) its going to take sometime to break that habbit... i still havent broken it with glaze yet..  I just need to focus... i can focus, right? lts hope so.. otherwise i will not be doing hand bells in the fall :( im hurting the choir mor than im helping it if i cant focus on the right thing..

So we have 3 more rehersals before we (handbell choir) have our first concert of the smester.  I was just begining to feel comfortable with the music that we were playing but due to  frequient absences monika and bobby decided to cut the choir down to an ensemble. and they gave us a bunch of new music tonight.  well now that they've cut the choir down to 5 people, im the newest one there adn oviously not ringing up to par with everyone else.  I feel like im so far away from every one there... theyre all doing an exalent job.. and im not.. which i guess is uderstandable cuz i just started.. but idk... i keep saying, "dont worry, ill get it" but.. im not getting it :( i really wish i could be more confidednt with myself!! this is so frusterating.. this is my biggest problem. adn i know im going to stuggle with it for the rest of my life.. but i mean come on! this is easy! i should be able to do this! i should be able to read these rhythems on sight with everyone else! and i knwo im capeable of doing so. I mean if i were to sing my part, it would be fine.. but put bells in my hand and my brain wants nothing to do with it... 
and in ensembles your always swiching bells.. like ill ring bass bells for one song adn treble for another.. adn thats another thing that as a music major i shoudl be about to do.. but it just dosnt happen... its like my brain dosnt switch as quick as it should.. idk. maybe i just need to focus.. but omg! its soo hard to keep focus in rehersal... idk what it is... adn it really dosnt help that pretty much all the time im standing by eaither monika or bobby... which is good because i have an amazing example to follow and they help me out alot.. but its bad because.. well i hate to say it but im compleatly intimidated by them!  and when i get feeling like that my prefectionism/ ocd qualities start flairing up big time! and that leads to my lack of conidence... they are ALWAYS on to me about playing louder, and belive me! i would love nothing more than to play louder!!! but i just cant seem to get past this wall that i have built in front of me.  i really wish that i could find someone that understands me and can help me over the wall of prefectionism/ ocd! I mean glaze has brought me soooo so so far from where i used to be.. but he dosnt really know what esle to do to get me to leave those qualities behind me...  and idk what to do eaither.. adn this is really frusterating!!!! WHY CANT I DO THIS!!!! im going to be working really hard to get these part down..  idk... maybe it'll be easyer now that i have time. lets hope so :/

the concert is over
my papers are done
things are defintly winding down
and i see a faint light at the end of the tunnel
but i still have quite a way to go

the concerts went well... ish
i think saturday was one of our better runs.. but idk.. i still had that weird feeling that i wasnt performing.. i felt litk it was just another run through... ya know?
anyway
haha so this kind of stuff only happens to me...
friday night glaze was back stage adn it looked like he gave me the que to give the tuning pitch.. 
well i was wrong.. i stood up and he fliped out! and jen was like "ohh! sit sit sit sit!" so i threw myslef back in my chair in a hurry and in the process stabbed my eye with my clarinet... yeah.. real smooth there..
then saturday night i had a major wardrobe malfunction...
i was wearing a dress and a skirt underneath the dress because with out the skirt the dress looked like something out of the flintstones.. 
haha
and when i stood up to give the tuning note i felt the skirt slip a little...
well every time i stood up after that it would slip more and more,,
and glaze had us stand up after pretty much every song!
so by the time intermission came my skirt was 3/4 down my thigh and still slipping!
i seriously thouhgt i was going to loose my skirt on stage!
lol i mean it wouldnt of been horrible bad because like i said it was a skirt UNDER a dress
but still... that would of been embarasing!
lol, jen had to cover me while i waddled back stage durring intermission to fix it
haha phew!

So i got an estimate for my car... $600.. Dr. Salanki wasn't happy.. so im going to get another estimate so she can compare... [please dont fail me!] lol jk

im sorry i didnt got to molly adn alex's recital.. i really wanted to.. instead i went home and had a complete meltdown.... i'm way overworked.. and i know that i brought some of this stress on myself.. but alot of it was just kind of dumped on my lap as well.. 

my meltdown started in band... my face hurt sooo  bad i couldnt make it through the rehersal.. i couldnt get in tune.. my tone sucked.. i couldnt see the music because there were barly enough lights, and i was so frusterated.. i just gave up... and after band i left and went to get that estimate on my car... then i had to go back up to the school to give dr. salanki the estimate.. but she was in class, so i practiced for juries.. then i ran into glaze and had to listen to him gripe and complain about band today and how the we didnt have lights because they didnt hang them and how everyone wasnt focused today adn blah blah blah. the i told him that it seemed like he was to wraped up in timeing with the vidieos that he wasnt actually listening to the band and so we wernt together at all on alot of things.. and intonation was ahuge issue (brave move on my part...) but he agreed.. and then i talked to him about juries and that just made me mad... he expects so much out of me and its to the piont now that i phisically cant give him what he wants,, and that is frusterating for both him adn me. and he just doesnt seem to relize that i am a human.. not some music machine! any way after that i went upstairs adn gave the estimate to salanki and she didnt like it.. imagion that
anyway after that i drove caroline to get some food and that was fun :) then i decided to just go home.. and im glad i did... 
when i got home i wasnt in a good mood and i was frusterated.. adn angry but i was just going to hold it in adn not complin... that didnt last long... my dad came in adn put his hand on my sholder and asked if i was ok.. and i lost it.. i mean just compleatly lost it... i was crying so hard that i coudnt even make 2 words fit together.. adn that was weird.. to compleatly loose it like that infront of my mom is one thing.. but ive never done that with my dad.. 
i told him everything.. i told him that i have 3 3-5 page papers to write for theory thats due friday adn that i have 14 discussions to do in one of my classes due friday, and that i was going to fail ecology, adn that im sick of people pushing stuff on me that i dont have time for and that glaze is pushing me so hard and my school work is suffering and that i'm no where ready for juries on tuesday adn that i had just gotten the music, adn then theres the academy thats really weighing me down, and that i feel like im not progressing at all with handbells adn that salanki didnt like the estimate adn that my face hurts adn that ive been going 24-7 for over 2 weeks stright now, and that im not going to last through these 2 concerts i have coming up and that im just going to screw it up so bad, and that i have exams to study for, and i need to finnish my observations and that i never sleep anymore and that i just want it all to stop!! and yeah.. i just compleatly lost it....
 usally you feel better after getting all that off your chest. but i dont feel any better... im still mad adn frusterated.. adn upset.. and to top it all off theres the issue with my brother. even thought hes here im still worried sick about him.. like litterally worried sick.  and the argument thats going on between my family and some friends.. 

im just so emotionally , mentaly and phisically drained that i cant take it... ive been under so much stress that ive been waking up with tention headaches, and nausia. i dont know if im going to make it throught exam week.. i honestly dont know.. usally i can push myself just that much farther.. as Finley always said "dig deep"... but im telling you ive hit rock bottom... im done

tomorrow im going to have a lovely chat with glaze and tell him to back off.. im still not exactally happy with him not letting m get out of the musicalwhen i started to realize that it was way to much.. and its not like he needed me anyway.. brandi and james carried theyre part fine.. and im not happy that he voulnteered me for the requiem on top of that.. i loved doing the requiem.. but it would of been so much better if i didnt have guys and dolls as well.. and im not happy that he chose 4 brand new pieces for me to do for juries that i just got about a week and a half ago.. and have i had time to practice.. no.. ive been to busy doing all this extra stuff.. so im not ready.. i dont see me being ready by tuesday eaither... 

like i said.. i know i brough t some of this stress on myslef.. like the dicussion questions. and ecology.. and theory essays.. but it could of been so much esaier... 

im am and will be adn emotional wreck for the next few days.. weeks.. w/e.. the smallest things are going to make me cry.. im sorry.. just ignore my whining

** Applied Clarinet (3sh)- Time TBA


19sh total :)

The negative-ness and bad moods stop here. 
I'm tired of always finding a bad side to everything
I’m tired of complaining.
I'm tired of letting other peoples opinions and actions influence me in a negitive way.
From now I will try to have a positive attitude about everything.
There will be no more complaining about Glaze.
Honestly I didn't have a problem with him till I learned that others had problems with him.
So he's not the greatest band director that ever lived... 
He's not the greatest clarinet teacher or player that ever lived...
but he's what we got and I should be grateful for that.
I keep complaining about how I’m not learning anything in lessons anymore...
When really I'm too busy complaing to realize what I am learning.
And yeah... I’m not learning anything spectacular... but that’s because he’s waiting till I'm ready... 
He's waiting till I learn how to deal with and control my "perfectionism" habits and just go with the music.
And bless his heart; he is one of the most patient people that I have ever seen.
I would have lost my mind already if I were in his shoes...
so there will be no more complaining about that
There will be no more complaining about how busy I am.
I just need to suck it up and get used to it because it’s not going to get easier.
I WILL NOT complain about this musical anymore... not 1 negative word.
From this whole Guy's and Dolls experience I learned that musicals just aren’t my thing...
well Guy's and Dolls  isn’t my thing... 
I  think I might try another one later to make sure.
I will not let stupid, petty, little arguments get to me
on that same track I will not let people get to me and get under my skin.
I am tired of being taken advantage of.
so that will stop now
Woo
I already feel better just writing this all down :)
I'm not going to become a complete "stone" where I have no emotions and nothing phases me.
But I'm just going to think before reacting.

Some other changes I would like to make:
I want to spend more time with my family
I've grown kind of independent from them and Lord knows I need them
I need they're love and support and guidance.
I want plan more me time... so I can just sit down and think
even if I have to cut out practice time, it would be worth it.
If I don’t have my me time I will end up like in a mood, like I've been in for the last few weeks.
Speaking of practice
I want to make better use of my practice time.
I practice a minimum of 21 hours a week. 
I think it would do me good to start recording all of my practices and reviewing them and keeping a journal of what I could do to make it better next time.
In general I want to be more open minded about everything. 
I want to be thankful for opportunities that I have that a lot of people don’t have. 
I want to start noticing these little things I take for granite everyday
I want to really find out who I am :)







 

i spent $109.29 on all the music i need for the academy.... i had to get 2 orcestreal exerp books and an orcstreal book on CD which has all the parts.. and the whole songs.. and i had to get wever concerto 1 and 2... yup... im set.. well except for the fact that i need reeds :/ and im doind recital hour on the 7th so hopeully between now adn then i'll run into some more $$... if i could just get a box of reeeds adn pay my library fine then ill be set for the rest of the semester adn then some :)

looking at the calender for the month or april makes me sick.... ontop of all my classes i have Guys adn Dolls and Mozart's Requiem, and a few band concerts... plus getting ready for juires and the academy...  why do i tourcher myself like this? lol i was talking to glaze about all this music and how ive never been this busy musically before and that i really didnt know if i could work everything up in time... he just miled at me and said "welcome to the life of a musician" .... heh i dont know how im going to do it but i am going to do iand im going to do it to the best of y ability...  

i guess it wount be that bad... ive got the music for band and guys adn dolls under my belt pretty good, that wount require too much attention... and my weber concertino for RH... yeah ive got that no problem... so really all i have to work on is the Requiem (which isnt hard at all but its definatly not cheesy!) and my solos(tba) for juries, and of course keep up on my scales. then theres the academy music... thats really where the bulk of my time will be spent... because thats by far the hardest stuff i have.. adn the hardest stuff i have ever played for that matter...  i just cant wait till all of this is over.. i will have grown sooo much musically its not even funny..

___

speaking of growing musically... i will be transfering to a more fitting music school after  my sophmore year... like stetson, usm, or north texas...  im auditioning everywhere this summer because lets be honest, most of the music classes are really good and totaly worth staying at UWF for.. but the band isnt...  and thats a huge thing for me.. i mean im at the top of the section alrealdy... you cant expect me to just sit there for another 6 semesters... so the plan is to bulk up on all the worthy music courses i can and then transfer... it'll probably add another year onto my school.. but it will be a year well spent.. plus im going stright into grad school right after i finnish my undergrad... so its all going to equal out anyay :) im really excited for the future! and i really love my parents for helping me out so much! they have finally agreed to co-sign on a loan with me :)  and theyre supporting me all the way! they have finally accepted music as a TRUE major :D

in my last post i forgot a song! we also did Mark Camphouse's "Whatsoever things..." its quite a lovely song :)

So today I went to lessons and I could tell Mr. Glaze wasn't in the best of moods.,, He seemed easily annoyed  and he looked really tired. Anyway I got in there and did long tones and tounging and M/m scales and the usual stuff, and I started doing the stuff in the book and he was getting annoyed cuz I like to stop before I make a mistake or right after one and go back and fix it! lol and then I really had to pull it together and just play something strait through and if I make a mistake big deal... lemme tell  ya, that was the hardest thing I think I have ever done! lol.. Seriously,  I dont get it.. I dont do that in and ensemble.. but its just something about playing by myself that, idk... Its so hard to just keep playing and not worry about the minor mistakes..  Well anyway Mr. Glaze poped up and said "Wow! Amy that sounded like a new person!" and he went on and said that I just need to practice making mistakes! lol.. Yay! so Im going to practice making mistakes tthis week! 
Yeah It was pretty funny! He said that I am the strongest freshmen music major that he's seen in a long time. He said that I just need to push through stuff, and he explained the whole "you are your own toughest critic" stuff. Then he (once again) started talking about the audition and he said there was only 4 points between me and Margret (1st chair player) adn he said "I know I've told you this 1000 times but, Amy, Your playing in a college ensemble now, and you made 3rd chair and I'm telling you if you would of just played through the sight reading and not stopped and just kept going even with mistakes you and Margret would of been so close! I mean you would of been right up there with her and shes a grad student, adn your a freshmen!"  So that really kinda boosted my confidence, In fact a lot of things lately have boosted my confidence! Like the whole thing with Mr. Riggs telling me that my tone was the most beautiful thing he has ever herd, and that he was really impressed with my playing. I swear I have gotten so many compliments lately! I don't know what I'm doing, but obviously I'm doing it right! 
The one thing that has really hit home for me this week is the fact that I know that music is what I was born to do! lol.. I've had doubts in the past that I would never succeed as a music major, but now I know can!  :D

So auditions didnt go asI had planned.. but its ok..

I got in there knowin it wasn't my day,

the piece I chose is very technical and very hard yet, i was having more of a lyrical type of day

I go in there and he asks about school and asked what my favorite class was

I said theory cuz I love dr. spaniola!

and we got into a conversation about him and how he wants to do a all Spaniola concert

anyway. I played the G scale and somehow i wound up with a Bb in it..

idk i oviously want thining..

I rooled my eyes.. and he laughed at me..

then the A scale.. now problem

then the prepared piece... I started faster than I wanted to

so at the 1st rest I told him I started a bit fast and that I was going to slow down

he said no problem

so I went on

a few bumps and bruises

not my best work by any means..

and he cut me off befor the octive slures...

thats the whole point of the piece!

I workded so hard on them!

I could of stuck with the tempo I started on if I had known that!

w/e

then came sight reading

pretty much basic sightreading

nothing special

I flubed quite a bit

alot more than usaule

butchered the endiing rhythem.

instead of quarted, eigth, eigth i played quarter, sixteenth, sixteenth..

but all in all it wasnt that good..

my tone was stuffy too..

he said it was just the room  cuz all the clarinets had stuffy tones

w/e

I was shooting for 3rd chair.. I probably didnt get it.. but well see

then after words I looked at him and said.. wow.. that was bad... and he said it wasnt..

but he gets paid to say that..

then he put his hand on my shoulder and said "wait a minute! wait a minute! I got to teach you some politics here!"

 that was kinda scary cuz it was out of no where!

and then he went on to say "Your in 3 of my classe and yet your favorite class if theory! you mean I dont get any credit here!"

of course he was kidding

then he was asking how I liked film music and i told him that I liked it so much that I'm not sellinf my book back! lol

seriously.. Im never selling that book back!

It's amazing!

anyway, civic band started back up

It was fun

I have orgoten how much 3rd part hurts my face!

lol

my stand buddy is the one and only David Riggs! lol

hes a cool guy!

He likes my clarinet! :p

he asked me how long I'd been playing adn i said that I was going on my 6th year

he was shocked! lol

I'm really not sure why everybody get so amazed that I've only been playing for a little while... seriously..

he sid that

he enjoyed playing with me and that he enjoyed having me and a stand buddy! lol

I dont think I've ever gotton those compliments before!

they made my day... only to be ruiened by jerks on the road

they followed me honnking at me adn screaming things at me and told me I should go die... Then made me cry.. and I really dont know what I did to them...

w/e

Jerks

I went to the doctor today also..

theyre going to try cortizone injections in my wrist.. if that dosnt work then I'll have to get surgery...

then I told him about my hip and he said it sounded like arthritus but he didnt see any in the x-rays

so then he bent my leg up and it hurt.. then he bent it inward... relly uncofrtable.. painful.... then he pulled it outward.. this is where i jumped up and screamed.

Man.. I just wanted to kick him!

God that hurt sooooo bad! OMG!

then he did it again

like it didnt hurt enough the 1st time!

ahhh!

then he said that thats not right exspecilly not at my age..

then he said that its probably a torn labrum

not good news...

It means I have to have surgery and quick!

I have a special MRI set up for monday...

they have to inject my hip with dye (OUCH) and then take an MRI of it

If thats indeed what it is then I will need surgery pretty quick cuz it could break off adn get lodged into my hip.. that would leave me cripled for life..

so yea.. I have to baby it till then... he suggested using a walker..

ha yeah right! im not an 80 year old lady! so ill stick with a crutch

bleh

not again :(

yeah so thats life rifghtnow

School is going good :) But I had a ridiculous amount of homework this weekend! I hate english... I hate reading.. I'd rather do 500 math problems than read anything! anyway I read the book I had to read.. I still need to read that article.. I have no motivation to read it though.. Its 40 pages long and that just discourages me... 
Civic band starts tommorow :) I have auditions for UWF band tommorow as well.. shooting for 3rd chair! I have piano tommow and I havnt practiced.. I have lessosn thursday and I havent practiced.. and now my lessons are an hour long and they're graded, which is just great. I love all of the bands I'm in and I love lesson and I love piano.. but Its too much.. I have to balance practiceing for Civic band, UWF band, lessons, and piano! and on top of that I have books to read for english, math problems, I have to watch a bunch of movies a few times each or film music, adn then there's the all important JOB!  I'm beginning to think that I cant do this..It's very stressful, I'm always busy  It's only the 1st week and I'm kida feeling overloaded... 
Well I've decided that the 1st thing to go is Civic band if I do get where I just cnt take it.. I could also go down to 30 minute lessons. That would take A LOT of pressure off me.. But I dont want to do eaither! I'm just going to keep praying that I have the strength to do it all! This summer I'm going to take a few gen ed classes so next year wouln't be as busy. I'm required to take 9 s.h. of summer classes anyway. 
I'm also haveing a ton of fun in college too! I get to be me! Im free! i have so many new friends! My favorite class is music theory! I love Dr. Spaniola! He is the most amazing teacher ever! I'm going to this church group thing called C.R.A.S.H (christians rejoice and something happens) and Its just wonderful! I cant wait till I graduate and start grad school at and amazing music college! lol UWF is amazing but ya knwo what I mean ;)